Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
