Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
