You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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