Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
