Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
