I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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