that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
