So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
