if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
