i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
