She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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