You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
