I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
