I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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