People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
