What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
