toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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