The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
