I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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