I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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