The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Operation Purity has been aborted
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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