I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
