who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
