We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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