You just made me feel so damn special
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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