Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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