We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
