I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
