She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
