if i died would you start the facebook group?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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