how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
