I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
