omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
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I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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