I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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