I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
