She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
