my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
