Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
