I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
