Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
