He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
