Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
