I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
