you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
