I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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