she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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