I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
