Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You can't motorboat a personality
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
