i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I love you.
Bad choice
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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