Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
