I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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