I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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