The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my being single is dangerous.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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