My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
