guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
