I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my liver is dry heaving
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
