i can't believe i had my finger in that
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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