There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
