So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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