LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
