Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
