Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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