Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He felt like a one man threesome
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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